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  • Fun
    September 20, 2007

How to kill a dragon with various programming languages

Guest Author

This funny text comes from Ibon from the dream team who got it from a Spanish blog.

There's a beautiful princess, prisoner in the highest tower of a
castle, guarded by a mighty dragon, and a fearless knight must rescue
her…

This is how each language would manage to rescue the princess from the hands of the dragon

  • Java - Gets there, finds the dragon, develops a
    framework for dragon anihilation with multiple layers, writes several
    articles about the framework… But doesn't kill the dragon.
  • .NET - Gets there, sees the idea of the Java developer and copies it. Tries to kill the dragon, but the monster eats him.

  • C
    - Arrives, looks down at the dragon, pulls out
    his sword, beheads the dragon, finds the princess… And ignores her to
    see the last checkins of linux kernel cvs.
  • C++ - Creates a basic needle, and gathers
    funcionality until he has a complex sword that he can barely understand…
    He kills the dragon, but gets stuck crossing the bridge because
    of memory leaks.
  • COBOL - Arrives, sees the dragon and thinks that he is too old to kill a monster that big and rescuing the princess, so he leaves.
  • Pascal - He prepares for 10 years to create a
    dragon anihilation system… When the moment comes, he discovers the
    program can only take lizards as an entry.
  • VB - Builds a dragon destruction weapon based on
    several components, jumps to the back of the dragon and in the most
    critical time he discovers that the sword works only on rainy nights…
  • PL/SQL - Gets data from other dragon slayers,
    creates tables with n ternary complexity relations, tridimensional
    data, OLAP, takes 15 years to process the information… And by then, the
    princess became a lesbian.
  • Ruby - Arrives with massive fame, saying he is the
    best at anything and when he faces the dragon, he shows a lame motion
    picture of himself killing a dragon… The dragon eats him out of boredom.
  • Smalltalk - Arrives, analyzes the dragon and princess, turns around and leaves, they are way too inferior.

  • shell
    - Creates a very powerful dragon slaying weapon… But in the moment of truth, he can't remember how to use it.
  • shell(2)- The guy approaches the dragon with a two
    line script that kills, cuts, disembowels, impales, chops to pieces and
    packs the beast, but when he runs it the script grows, it fattens,
    irritates and puts alcohol in the fire of the dragon…
  • Assembler - He thinks he's doing the right and
    most efficient things… But he writes an A instead of a D and kills the
    princess to end up f\*\*\*ing the dragon.
  • Fortran - Arrives and develops a
    45-thousand-code-line-solution, kills the dragon, meets the princess…
    But she calls him a weakling and runs after the Java programmer who was
    elegant, and also rich.
  • FOX PRO - Develops a dragon killing system. It's
    gorgeous and works on the outside, but it's really patched inside, so
    when he runs the dragon anihilator, he realizes he forgot to index the
    DBFs.
  • PROCESS ANALYST - Approaches the dragon with two
    tons of documentation, develops the unified dragon-killing process,
    he develops a DFD to free the princess and marry her, convinces the
    dragon that it's the best for him and it won't hurt. When he executes
    the process, he estimates the effort and the damage he will cause with
    a plan signed by the Pope, Buddha and Michael Jackson. Then he buys a
    couple of nukes, 45 cannons, an aircraft carrier and hires 300 heavily
    armed men… When all he needed was the sword he was holding in his hand
    in the beginning…
  • CLIPPER: Sets up a routine that loads a codeblock
    array to insult the dragon, serenade the princess, load the sword in
    memory, beat the crap out of the dragon, clean the mess, prepare a
    raspberry milkshake for the princess, make love to her, take a bath,
    start the car, put it some gas and come back home. When he runs it, he
    gets a "Bound Error: Array Access" and the dragon eats him with fries.
  • Lisp, where the famous knight-errant, after
    speaking with numerous experts in dragon-killing, and modeling the
    knowledge they posess, he programs the system, and when he runs it he
    realizes he forgot a bracket (bender the offender).
  • HTML: Mounts a web on famous swords used to kill
    dragons, but he ignores the W3C standards. When he meets the dragon, he
    finds out the code isn't compatible with his browser, so he's left
    swordless. The dragon eats him as an appetizer.
  • Prolog: Thinks he needs a weapon to kill the
    dragon. Searches in a catalog for 182014 weapons. By the time the
    princess dies of her age, he's achieved to know how to make every
    weapon starting with A: Atomic Bombs, Anti-Air Weapons, Arches,
    Ammunition, Axes...
  • PHP: Creates a web page that when he executes it
    would eliminate the $dragon selecting from a weapons databese in MySQL
    over an Apache server. Nevertheless he forgot the WHERE in the DELETE
    query and kills the princess, the dragon, the peasants, the witch, the
    sorceror and the programmer himself.
  • JavaScript: The programmer tries to kill  the
    great green dragon that spits fire throug his mouth. He creates a
    script that will delete the dragon when he loads a webpage, to create
    seconds after, some damsels to throw him flowers and make clapping
    sounds. Unfortunately he didn't take into account the DOM structure of
    the lizard, also known as Mozilla, and the only thing he gets is to
    fill his console of errors and that the Book of Mozilla tells how he
    was devoured.
  • ActiveX: The programmers create a tunnel to enter
    the dragon's lair from the castle and run a program that will kil the
    dragon from a safe and prudential distance. The dragon discovers the
    tunnel, eats the workers who dug, the dragon slayers, and enslaves
    every servant in the castle. The castle becomes a dragon-breeding
    place, full of little dragons that the dragon sends in pop-ups to other
    castles. The untasty remains of the knights are put in cans of Spam and
    sent to other castles as well as a warning. (aquelquesiente)
  • Basic. He creates a weapon able to kill paper
    dragons, but no matter how they improve it, they discover it's not good
    enough to kill any dragon bigger than a baby poodle.
  • Matlab: They create a loop that calculates the
    trajectories to shoot a giant arrow at the dragon. The program works
    flawlessly. What they need now are the voluntaries caoable to launch
    tha arrow with the necessary strength and accuracy.
  • Videogame Programmer : Spends two years programming
    a state-of-the-art sword with shaders and all. When the time comes to
    kill the dragon, he finds that half the knights aren't strong enough to
    raise the sword. Then someone programs a patch that reveals the sex
    scenes with the princess and Hillary Clinton makes it a scandal.

Join the discussion

Comments ( 23 )
  • Paris Apostolopoulos Thursday, September 20, 2007

    That was a good one!!!


  • speps Thursday, September 20, 2007

    Really funny, thanks for that :)


  • karpidis Thursday, September 20, 2007

    Yes really funny. Fortran does everything and java takes the money and run...


  • Roland Mainz Thursday, September 20, 2007

    ksh93 shell: The programmer creates a huge simulation prototype written in ksh93 at home on his Solaris 11/Nevada B72 machine to figure out the best options to kill the dragon but when we goes and tries to kill the dragon he learns that his Solaris 8 installation in his battle horse only has ksh88 installed which doesn't support floating-point math, compound variables or associative arrays and won't run the script.

    The dragon breaks his bones, bites off the head and drinks the blood.


  • Rafael de F. Ferreira Thursday, September 20, 2007

    Hi Roumen. I have from credible sources that this originated from Brazilian programmers Daniel Quirino, Fernando Camargo and Marihelen Santos. It was first published on Marihelen's blog at http://marihelen.blogspot.com/2005/07/programadores-e-dragoes.html .


  • Roumen Thursday, September 20, 2007

    Good... credits go to them! Great fun!


  • ispampaw Thursday, September 20, 2007

    LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ!!! Hey, Netbeans 6 rocks!!! More power!


  • someone Friday, September 21, 2007
    [Trackback] This funny text comes from Ibon from the dream team who got it from a Spanish blog.
    There's a beautiful princess, prisoner in the highest tower of a castle, guarded by a mighty dragon, and a fearless knight must rescue her…
    This is how each lang[...]
  • David Friday, September 21, 2007

    ColdFusion: Calls the "CFKillDragon" tag....and gets busy with the princess :-)

    David


  • Matt Friday, September 21, 2007

    Python:

    Cleverly crafts a dragon killing solution in 1/10th the time and effort of most other warriors. Arrives at the dragon's lair and the princess is instantly smitten with his charm, good looks, and well formatted source code. Unfortunately, just prior to execution of the beast the kingdom retracts project funding since the solution is not "enterprisey" enough and the dragon eats him.


  • maliboo Friday, September 21, 2007

    LMAO


  • Saleh Friday, September 21, 2007

    Great post. I'm gonna add this:

    Actionscript: Create a dragon class with a killDragon method attached to a dragon getting killed animation with Flash. Execute the method and half the way through the animation the Internet Explorer crashes…

    I published it in my blog: http://blog.flashcolony.com


  • Martin DeMello Tuesday, September 25, 2007

    Perl: The programmer kills the dragon using as few strokes as possible. The princess later kicks him out of bed for insisting that There is More than One Way to Do It.


  • Tom Tuesday, September 25, 2007

    You don't actually know what Ruby is, do you?


  • russell ryan Friday, September 28, 2007

    I hate to be a nit-picker, but for C.. Linux kernel development is managed with git, not CVS.

    =)


  • Arman Thursday, October 4, 2007

    hahahaa :D


  • kevin Friday, October 5, 2007

    python:

    you throw a sword. it kills the dragon. the princess invites you into her room.


  • Brandon Wednesday, November 28, 2007

    Python: Spends 5 minutes reciting the documentation that will bless the dragon killing routine, and executes in the name of superior programming. Dragon slain, the real villain appears in the princess' window hurling ridiculous insults at the programmer. The coding warrior quickly writes a siege-engine, but just before he can execute it, he is arrested for murdering the narrator.


  • André Friday, January 4, 2008

    Perl:

    You write a program that only you understand. You show the code to the dragon, he can't understand all those '@'s, '$'s, '$'_s, gets bored and kills himself. So does the princess.


  • Pascal Tuesday, July 29, 2008

    This reminds me of the post about which boat is that programming language.

    http://www.codesplunk.com/?s=c


  • Henry Miller Tuesday, September 30, 2008

    Python: realizes that dragons and snakes are both reptiles. Refuses to kill family member. Uses dragon's fire to cook princess and share a meal with dragon.


  • DarkoP Tuesday, September 30, 2008

    Perl: s/dragon//


  • APL Tuesday, January 27, 2009

    APL: kills dragon with just a single poop. But then princess takes sword and kills APL, because he is such pervert.


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