How to kill a dragon with various programming languages

This funny text comes from Ibon from the dream team who got it from a Spanish blog.

There's a beautiful princess, prisoner in the highest tower of a castle, guarded by a mighty dragon, and a fearless knight must rescue her…

This is how each language would manage to rescue the princess from the hands of the dragon

  • Java - Gets there, finds the dragon, develops a framework for dragon anihilation with multiple layers, writes several articles about the framework… But doesn't kill the dragon.
  • .NET - Gets there, sees the idea of the Java developer and copies it. Tries to kill the dragon, but the monster eats him.
  • C - Arrives, looks down at the dragon, pulls out his sword, beheads the dragon, finds the princess… And ignores her to see the last checkins of linux kernel cvs.
  • C++ - Creates a basic needle, and gathers funcionality until he has a complex sword that he can barely understand… He kills the dragon, but gets stuck crossing the bridge because of memory leaks.
  • COBOL - Arrives, sees the dragon and thinks that he is too old to kill a monster that big and rescuing the princess, so he leaves.
  • Pascal - He prepares for 10 years to create a dragon anihilation system… When the moment comes, he discovers the program can only take lizards as an entry.
  • VB - Builds a dragon destruction weapon based on several components, jumps to the back of the dragon and in the most critical time he discovers that the sword works only on rainy nights…
  • PL/SQL - Gets data from other dragon slayers, creates tables with n ternary complexity relations, tridimensional data, OLAP, takes 15 years to process the information… And by then, the princess became a lesbian.
  • Ruby - Arrives with massive fame, saying he is the best at anything and when he faces the dragon, he shows a lame motion picture of himself killing a dragon… The dragon eats him out of boredom.
  • Smalltalk - Arrives, analyzes the dragon and princess, turns around and leaves, they are way too inferior.
  • shell - Creates a very powerful dragon slaying weapon… But in the moment of truth, he can't remember how to use it.
  • shell(2)- The guy approaches the dragon with a two line script that kills, cuts, disembowels, impales, chops to pieces and packs the beast, but when he runs it the script grows, it fattens, irritates and puts alcohol in the fire of the dragon…
  • Assembler - He thinks he's doing the right and most efficient things… But he writes an A instead of a D and kills the princess to end up f\*\*\*ing the dragon.
  • Fortran - Arrives and develops a 45-thousand-code-line-solution, kills the dragon, meets the princess… But she calls him a weakling and runs after the Java programmer who was elegant, and also rich.
  • FOX PRO - Develops a dragon killing system. It's gorgeous and works on the outside, but it's really patched inside, so when he runs the dragon anihilator, he realizes he forgot to index the DBFs.
  • PROCESS ANALYST - Approaches the dragon with two tons of documentation, develops the unified dragon-killing process, he develops a DFD to free the princess and marry her, convinces the dragon that it's the best for him and it won't hurt. When he executes the process, he estimates the effort and the damage he will cause with a plan signed by the Pope, Buddha and Michael Jackson. Then he buys a couple of nukes, 45 cannons, an aircraft carrier and hires 300 heavily armed men… When all he needed was the sword he was holding in his hand in the beginning…
  • CLIPPER: Sets up a routine that loads a codeblock array to insult the dragon, serenade the princess, load the sword in memory, beat the crap out of the dragon, clean the mess, prepare a raspberry milkshake for the princess, make love to her, take a bath, start the car, put it some gas and come back home. When he runs it, he gets a "Bound Error: Array Access" and the dragon eats him with fries.
  • Lisp, where the famous knight-errant, after speaking with numerous experts in dragon-killing, and modeling the knowledge they posess, he programs the system, and when he runs it he realizes he forgot a bracket (bender the offender).
  • HTML: Mounts a web on famous swords used to kill dragons, but he ignores the W3C standards. When he meets the dragon, he finds out the code isn't compatible with his browser, so he's left swordless. The dragon eats him as an appetizer.
  • Prolog: Thinks he needs a weapon to kill the dragon. Searches in a catalog for 182014 weapons. By the time the princess dies of her age, he's achieved to know how to make every weapon starting with A: Atomic Bombs, Anti-Air Weapons, Arches, Ammunition, Axes...
  • PHP: Creates a web page that when he executes it would eliminate the $dragon selecting from a weapons databese in MySQL over an Apache server. Nevertheless he forgot the WHERE in the DELETE query and kills the princess, the dragon, the peasants, the witch, the sorceror and the programmer himself.
  • JavaScript: The programmer tries to kill  the great green dragon that spits fire throug his mouth. He creates a script that will delete the dragon when he loads a webpage, to create seconds after, some damsels to throw him flowers and make clapping sounds. Unfortunately he didn't take into account the DOM structure of the lizard, also known as Mozilla, and the only thing he gets is to fill his console of errors and that the Book of Mozilla tells how he was devoured.
  • ActiveX: The programmers create a tunnel to enter the dragon's lair from the castle and run a program that will kil the dragon from a safe and prudential distance. The dragon discovers the tunnel, eats the workers who dug, the dragon slayers, and enslaves every servant in the castle. The castle becomes a dragon-breeding place, full of little dragons that the dragon sends in pop-ups to other castles. The untasty remains of the knights are put in cans of Spam and sent to other castles as well as a warning. (aquelquesiente)
  • Basic. He creates a weapon able to kill paper dragons, but no matter how they improve it, they discover it's not good enough to kill any dragon bigger than a baby poodle.
  • Matlab: They create a loop that calculates the trajectories to shoot a giant arrow at the dragon. The program works flawlessly. What they need now are the voluntaries caoable to launch tha arrow with the necessary strength and accuracy.
  • Videogame Programmer : Spends two years programming a state-of-the-art sword with shaders and all. When the time comes to kill the dragon, he finds that half the knights aren't strong enough to raise the sword. Then someone programs a patch that reveals the sex scenes with the princess and Hillary Clinton makes it a scandal.
Comments:

That was a good one!!!

Posted by Paris Apostolopoulos on září 20, 2007 at 03:46 dop. CEST #

Really funny, thanks for that :)

Posted by speps on září 20, 2007 at 05:31 dop. CEST #

Yes really funny. Fortran does everything and java takes the money and run...

Posted by karpidis on září 20, 2007 at 06:06 dop. CEST #

ksh93 shell: The programmer creates a huge simulation prototype written in ksh93 at home on his Solaris 11/Nevada B72 machine to figure out the best options to kill the dragon but when we goes and tries to kill the dragon he learns that his Solaris 8 installation in his battle horse only has ksh88 installed which doesn't support floating-point math, compound variables or associative arrays and won't run the script.
The dragon breaks his bones, bites off the head and drinks the blood.

Posted by Roland Mainz on září 20, 2007 at 11:40 dop. CEST #

Hi Roumen. I have from credible sources that this originated from Brazilian programmers Daniel Quirino, Fernando Camargo and Marihelen Santos. It was first published on Marihelen's blog at http://marihelen.blogspot.com/2005/07/programadores-e-dragoes.html .

Posted by Rafael de F. Ferreira on září 20, 2007 at 12:15 odp. CEST #

Good... credits go to them! Great fun!

Posted by Roumen on září 20, 2007 at 12:17 odp. CEST #

LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ!!! Hey, Netbeans 6 rocks!!! More power!

Posted by ispampaw on září 20, 2007 at 12:57 odp. CEST #

[Trackback] This funny text comes from Ibon from the dream team who got it from a Spanish blog. There's a beautiful princess, prisoner in the highest tower of a castle, guarded by a mighty dragon, and a fearless knight must rescue her… This is how each lang[...]

Posted by someone on září 21, 2007 at 02:13 dop. CEST #

ColdFusion: Calls the "CFKillDragon" tag....and gets busy with the princess :-)

David

Posted by David on září 21, 2007 at 09:00 dop. CEST #

Python:
Cleverly crafts a dragon killing solution in 1/10th the time and effort of most other warriors. Arrives at the dragon's lair and the princess is instantly smitten with his charm, good looks, and well formatted source code. Unfortunately, just prior to execution of the beast the kingdom retracts project funding since the solution is not "enterprisey" enough and the dragon eats him.

Posted by Matt on září 21, 2007 at 09:11 dop. CEST #

LMAO

Posted by maliboo on září 21, 2007 at 12:49 odp. CEST #

Great post. I'm gonna add this:
Actionscript: Create a dragon class with a killDragon method attached to a dragon getting killed animation with Flash. Execute the method and half the way through the animation the Internet Explorer crashes…

I published it in my blog: http://blog.flashcolony.com

Posted by Saleh on září 21, 2007 at 02:52 odp. CEST #

Perl: The programmer kills the dragon using as few strokes as possible. The princess later kicks him out of bed for insisting that There is More than One Way to Do It.

Posted by Martin DeMello on září 25, 2007 at 11:31 dop. CEST #

You don't actually know what Ruby is, do you?

Posted by Tom on září 25, 2007 at 08:17 odp. CEST #

I hate to be a nit-picker, but for C.. Linux kernel development is managed with git, not CVS.

=)

Posted by russell ryan on září 28, 2007 at 02:10 dop. CEST #

hahahaa :D

Posted by Arman on říjen 05, 2007 at 01:01 dop. CEST #

python:
you throw a sword. it kills the dragon. the princess invites you into her room.

Posted by kevin on říjen 05, 2007 at 03:49 odp. CEST #

Python: Spends 5 minutes reciting the documentation that will bless the dragon killing routine, and executes in the name of superior programming. Dragon slain, the real villain appears in the princess' window hurling ridiculous insults at the programmer. The coding warrior quickly writes a siege-engine, but just before he can execute it, he is arrested for murdering the narrator.

Posted by Brandon on listopad 28, 2007 at 04:54 odp. CET #

Perl:
You write a program that only you understand. You show the code to the dragon, he can't understand all those '@'s, '$'s, '$'_s, gets bored and kills himself. So does the princess.

Posted by André on leden 04, 2008 at 03:18 odp. CET #

This reminds me of the post about which boat is that programming language.

http://www.codesplunk.com/?s=c

Posted by Pascal on červenec 29, 2008 at 06:28 odp. CEST #

Python: realizes that dragons and snakes are both reptiles. Refuses to kill family member. Uses dragon's fire to cook princess and share a meal with dragon.

Posted by Henry Miller on září 30, 2008 at 09:10 dop. CEST #

Perl: s/dragon//

Posted by DarkoP on září 30, 2008 at 09:57 dop. CEST #

APL: kills dragon with just a single poop. But then princess takes sword and kills APL, because he is such pervert.

Posted by APL on leden 27, 2009 at 05:28 dop. CET #

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